Love Laugh Kill

You Laugh

When I hear your lovely laugh,
And gaze in your beautiful eyes,
I long to feel the warmth of your touch,
And light your face with a smile.
I make a joke, you laugh, you smile.
My heart is filled with joy.
The color in your velvet cheeks
Paints my heart with love.
But my heart overflows,
As you laugh and laugh.
My heart breaks, and the love
Runs down my cheeks
Into my trembling hands.
And you laugh.

A Hope Lost

 Pain

Hundreds of children yelling, screaming.
Horrified wails that deafen you.
The fear is tangible,
So thick you can’t breathe,
The shame of a thousand souls.
And then, midst the howling,
A faint cry of hope,
A baby that has not yet fallen.
A child that hasn’t been tainted,
And the evil seems to be gone.
Then a cry from the child.
His voice joins the torment.
Screaming.  All hope is gone.

Melted Love

Words appear to my mind
Like lyrics to a song
Tunes and tones touching my soul
Singing to all the unknown

You will glide to me
Closer to my eyes
Far within my grasp
Yet you are here whispering

I offered you my fingers
Take it without questions
Let it trace your smiles
Let it fill your lonely cries

When I dance, dance with me
As my silken dress flow
Like a trail of scented gold
As we dream the night away

Come forth as we smile throughout
You will know what I'm made of
Flesh and bones of melted love
Is what rhythmic dancing is all about

Unforgiven

I'd rather be unforgiven
take it to my grave
I'd rather spurn and gnash my teeth
To know I have no shame
but you can't speak of things
forgiveness or regret
say you'd give them to me
only I'm not there to care
I touch on topics
I'm sure you'll just ignore
You sure do get self righteous
when someone finds your flaws
I'd rather be unforgiven
and not be a hypocrite
own up to things I did
take no excuse for me
I keep my own sage counsel
though somedays I am wrong
I have no love nor loathing
I am not filled with hate
I am not even bitter
it's time we parted ways
people grow together
others grow apart
better that we separate
admit who we really are
No, I am not sorry
that goaded, I spoke my peace
funny once I spoke it
You didn't want to hear

I will not take back anything

that in my life I've done

I'd rather be unforgiven on earth

Judged by the father and the son........

Toilet Seat Blues

Planning your first contact requires a lot of creativity. It requires you to suspend your imagination and plan your moves in a calculated format. And it's a lot of fun.

I would plan my moves, my dialogs, the dress I would wear, the position I would take, my body language, my gestures and what not. I would try various permutations and combinations. This dress with that dialog, this pose with that gesture, this move with that word. In the beginning I was very critical about this way of course. In all my sense, is this how I should be behaving? Day dreaming? At first I resisted the idea of behaving like a Nymph, but later my mind gave up before the sweet pleasures of wishful thinking and I convinced myself that to prepare for the D-Day was a better strategy than going in blindfolded.

Once I had a logical reason for day-dreaming, I simply went ahead and engulfed myself into the sensory pleasures. Initially it was all calculated and most of the times the simulation would have a rejection from her side. But after a while, she simply started accepting me in the simulations. And soon after that, I would simply keep dreaming of the two of us going on dates. And in the final stage we were often found making love.

..and I would suddenly wake up from my day dreams sitting on the toilet seat.

in·fat·u·ate Purgatory

Post infatuation - My good days all went to hell and the good nights went to the devil. Her thoughts wouldn't let me sleep anymore and her film-like flashbacks wouldn't let me walk during the day. I knew the truth that I had to approach her and make some kind of connection.

Some connection that would allow me to know if I could be with her and if there was something we could amount to. And if there were some sparks, I would test the waters and make my approach towards a casual relationship.

Even if she refused to be with me, I had to get a rejection and get it all out of my system. At least then I would have known that there was no hope and perhaps my sleep would visit me.

So that's how I spent at least 2 weeks in purgatory of infatuation thinking about the ways of making the first contact.

The Mind & Heart Mutiny

The guys chased her everyday out of the tuition, to her part of the city, to her street and to her house. They would have infiltrated inside her house as well, if situation provided. That was the goal anyway... to score one. But, she would ignore them entirely and would refuse to acknowledge their existence... and so I was told every day before the tuition began. All this talk coming from the so called hunks made me think better of the girl. If these guys were complaining about the girl in unison, it really meant a lot more than that. Boys don't easily give up, if they had so much to complain, the girl indeed was ignoring them real hard. So, she is not one of the lots, she has something between her ears after all.

..and my silent infatuation began without my knowing. She had succefully started pestering my thoughts. At sudden intervals, with no previous warning, I would see her certain movements in front of my eyes in flashes of thoughts. Sometimes I would be reading an issue of Neil Gaiman's Sandman on my laptop and suddenly I would see her shifting her hair with her fingers. She would appear entering the Tuition room with her friends, with all the background full of white light with Gaussian Blur effect in its full glory. And to top it all, this would happen while watching a horny YouTube video. At another times I would see her giving a silent smile in a glimpse while having my dinner. This particular silent smile was her signature feature and it tormented me a lot at various intervals of the day. It took me a week to realize that my mind had signed an agreement with my heart in secrecy and both of them were falling for her without my consent.

My mind started shifting to the auto-mode to track and register her minute movements. It would notice all the significant nothings about her during the one hour of tuition and would put away the significant moves in its database to use against me later in the day. These tormenting details were most effective during bed time. Day by day, falling asleep started becoming an arduous deal for me and it became a ritual to think about her every night before I went to sleep. Thankfully, I didn't have her dreams... somehow I never have any interesting dreams. They are always insignificant.

An Occasional Idealist

Had a good time with her. Today was a chilly day, so we went for some coffee and I ended up with a slightly light pocket. The good thing about my being from Chandigarh is that I know the cheap, the middle ordered and the expansive places to drink coffee from. 

In the beginning I didn't think I will ever get to chase this girl and will drink coffee with her. I thought she was too much competition to cope up with. She is the most beautiful girl in our tuition at 5 in the evening and since day one she captured every guy's imagination. 6 of the guys immediately started chasing her down and I, despite the fact of being smitten by her, decided to call it off even before it began. There's no point being one of the litter. If she decides to hate the chasers, she will reject me with the same hate and I refuse to be rejected with the rest of the pack. If I'm to be refused, I have to be refused on individual basis with a proper reason.There's always dignity in that.

In case she started seeing one of them, then quite obviously she is one of them. Another beautiful girl with her brains in the pink ribbons. I would refuse to be seen with her and consider myself better than all of them anyway... quite obviously, I like to declare myself as an idealist when it suits me.

As the time unfolded, which in this case was one week, it turned out to be the right move. She hated them all and everyday at 4:20 or so, all of them started bitching about her for half an hour until she came for the tuition at 5. It's funny how guys switch loyalties when it comes to a girl. Initially they were all individuals chasing her, and now that she didn't give them any grounds to carry on their operations, they became a united front against her. The funny part is, if she would talk to any one of them to help her with anything, say with taking her Activa off the stand, the guy would immediately witch sides and will go for independent elections.

More Tomorrow...

Something Exciting Happened - A Girl Friend

Something exciting happened. - A Girl friend

It's been quite sometime that i had been going out with someone. But this feels AWESOME. I'm sure for some weeks it will be fun.. then i guess both of us will get bored of each other... do we ever find a partner who doesn't get boring after a month or so? Is love truly possible? Does that thing even exist...